Letter To Josh Kelley, Who Is Not Josh Kelly

Josh Kelley

Los Angeles, CA

Hello Josh Kelley:

You’re intergalactically famous, with scads of talent and a superstar wife. Your biggest problem is where to relocate the cascading piles of cash that festoon every surface of your multi-million dollar home every time you need to clear a space to perch upon the otherwise spotless surface of your mid-century modern seating.

I, on the other hand, am just “some guy”.

But I’m a guy who’s signed up for Google Alerts, and what Google Alerts is telling me is that the volume of online information circulating around the name Josh Kelly is largely now focused on you, despite the fact that your name is spelled differently, and less correctly, than mine. If anyone finds me online, it’s probably because they’re looking for you. I’m getting nothing so much as your sloppy e-seconds.

Sure, there are many instances of online name redundancy for folks with names like Jennifer Smith or Dave Brown. But the name we share is just rare enough in its unique combo of Old Testament meets Irish, as though we’re named for the leader of a lost tribe of Gaelic Jews, that I think people can be genuinely confused.

So what can be done about this?

For starters, the ball is really in your court for three reasons:

  1. I am older and I had the name first and this is my idea so there
  2. Anything I do to attract attention to the issue will be like a popcorn fart into a roaring jet engine compared to the transcendent impact of your celebrity stellar-ness
  3. The spelling of your name is plainly in error
  4. You wouldn’t want it to seem like you were picking on “the little guy” – what a PR nightmare! Can you say “publicist overtime?”

Now that we’ve established you’ll need to personally do something drastic, there appear to be three feasible courses of action:

  1. You correct the typo in Kelly to remove the superfluous E in your name. At first glance, this may seem counter-productive, but my theory is that at least in this scenario I will get the benefit of some substantial widespread confusion, rather than simply the annoyance of a visit to my blog from the occasional slacker who doesn’t even know that your name was misspelled. Here are some other reasons:
    • It’s a tragic waste of a perfectly good vowel
    • If you were going to add another letter to your last name, it should be something WAY more interesting than E.
    • Baby, You’re Amazing(ly bad at spelling Kelly)
    • I’d sooner spell it Kellee
    • Guys with extras E’s in their last name are weeenies
  2. You change your first name to something non-conflicting. Elmo or Phineas are my immediate ideas, but there are others to consider and you are super creative. I trust you – as long as it’s not Josh, Joshua, J, or Hoshua we’ll be fine.
  3. You engage in a protracted, well-funded media campaign to clarify that there is an extra E in your last name, that you’re totally comfortable with it, and that people shouldn’t confuse you with other people of the same name, especially the certain Josh Kelly found at joshuakelly.com or twitter.com/jmkelly (NOTE: include the http part and it’ll be a live link to my pages).

Of the 3, I like 3 best. It’s time for you to own your name, not just answer to it. You have to take the negative and twist it to your own ends. You know, when life hands you lemons…

I don’t know how you ended up with the extra E in your last name — I have a running theory with friends that you got the same intoxicated maternity ward nurse that gummed up the name of DeForest “Bones” Kelley and made Star Trek credits a painful experience for me — but it’s not too late to turn this thing around.

Meantime, you should start to really ROCKIN with the music. I want to hear some oomph out of the JK name. A little grittiness, some rebel music. See what you can do.

Anyhoo. Let me know.

Sincerely,

Josh “The Real Deal” Kelly

San Francisco Bay Area, USA

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~ by joshuakelly on September 18, 2009.

 
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