Fruitcake Speaks Out

Things The Candied “Fruit” In Fruitcake Would Say If It Could Talk. And don’t be so sure it can’t…

  • There’s actually only ever been one fruitcake in the world
  • I took a wrong turn at a pie
  • You should see what they do to cranberries
  • I see dead fruit
  • What exactly AM I?
  • Why do people treat candied fruits like hot potatoes?
  • Flavor is overrated
  • The idea of fresh fruit grosses me out
  • Sure wish I was rum soaked right now
  • I Am a Weapon of Mass Disgustion
  • We’re like the SPAM of desserts
  • Send me to someone you love like a distant cousin
  • I am separated 6 degrees from Kevin Bacon
  • I aspire to edibility
  • Tough crowd
  • Drink enough eggnog and I’ll taste fine
  • Calling this a cake is like calling a brick a…cake
  • I was born a sweet plum. Or was it a lugnut?
  • Hey, you could have uglier doorstops.
  • Wait, you’re not actually thinking of EATING this, are you?
  • You’re probably not THAT hungry.
  • I am truly the gift that keeps on giving.
  • Mmmmmmystery food!
  • If you had any kind of courage, you’d make fun of pumpkin pie.
  • Fruitcake: neither fruit nor cake. Please explain.
  • I wasn’t so much baked as just sort of left to solidify.
  • Oh sure, pick on the fruitcake. REAL brave.
  • This holiday season, give the gift that says “ha! gotcha!”
  • No real fruit was harmed in the making of this cake.
  • I’m too old for this
  • Who you callin’ fruitcake?
  • knock knock
  • Friends, Countrymen, Candied Fruit.


~ by joshuakelly on November 13, 2008.

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