Bling 13: December Status Report


TO:        J.B. CALHOUN

FR:        P. BLING

   MIKE D., PAT L.


Bling Chart 12

Item 1: Denver All-Staff
Writing from my room here at the Denver Marriott. Strangely, have yet to see a single Gargantico co-worker. Understand there’ve been flight delays so I’m not yet concerned, though I never heard back from Tuttle on travel particulars. Bellman here seems convinced that Dallas, not Denver, is “The Big D” referenced as the locale. If I weren’t so confident in my geology skills, I’d be worried you’re all there in Texas right now sipping wassail and gnawing carvery meats.

Item 2: Annual Review

Thanks much for the approved annual review paperwork, and attached “marching orders” document. As my voice mail indicated, there are software version issues with the actual file itself that have thus far proven insurmountable. So I have not yet reviewed, but intend to be in full agreement with all positive recommendations. Rest assured, I’m in constant communicado with Tech Help to have the document ported. As you know, I am loyal to WordPerfect for Macintosh, which has not been produced in earnest since 1989ish, but is vastly superior to all subsequent solutions, minus a few trivial translation/functionality features.

Item 3: Personnel Issues
Following up on the personnel management thoughts from last month, wanted to provide you the results of the Molly Tuttle Assessment Pilot. Her score is as follows:

Employee Name    Score    Recommendation(s)
1. Molly B. Tuttle    FAIL    Re-programming, Re-assignment

To her credit, Molly acknowledges her shortcomings. But! To give you an idea of the depth of the problem, here is a sampling of the test questions to which she erroneously answered “yes”:

14.    I sometimes dream of running off and joining the circus
39.    If I were an animal, an ocelot would not be a bad choice
67.    Movies sometimes make me cry, even though I know they are make believe
93.    Documentaries do not always make me cry, even though I know they are real
102.    I am not certain whether Phineas Bling is a highly productive and valuable worker
104.    The phrase “asleep at the wheel” makes more sense than “asleep at the switch”
138.    I have gone more than an hour without wearing underpants
141.    I don’t think it would be so bad to live in Toledo, Ohio (at least during Springtime)
163.    Houdini did not believe in reincarnation
178.    In order to honestly say “confidence is high”, I would need to know “confidence in what?”
199.    I do not remember how many teeth I am supposed to have
224.    The noise that peacocks make at dawn is like 1,000 babies screaming all at once
257.    I enjoy vacations by the sea
368.    If I ran this company, things would be different
397.    Some of the people I work with are sometimes unpleasant
418.    I do not feel it is my responsibility to re-stock snack food vending machines
444.    I do my best to earn my pay every day
677.    I do not believe my company’s competitors are spying on us at this very moment
791.    When I think of the finest in roast beef au jus I don’t necessarily think of hof braus
944.    I do not see much reason to master the abacus
1,219.    When ingested with carbonated soda, PopRocks are not proven lethal
1,466.    There are known knowns, but there are no known unknowns
1,748.    There are unknown unknowns, and there are no unknown knowns
1,957.    Sometimes I think my head is so big because it is so full of dreams

Shocking, I know – you think you know someone. We need to address this right away, J.B..

Item 4: Abacus

You’re correct. The abacus delivered to you by a certain T. Tango should decipher all outstanding orders. Don’t mean to be snippy, but how many times have we gone over this?

Item 4: Year One
J.B., as my inaugural year here at Gargantico comes to a close, I would like to again thank you for the opportunity and leave you with a few official thoughts:
1.    Confidence remains high!
2.    Phineas Bling: Coordinator? NO! Surely a MANAGER!
3.    When you think Bling, think GlobaCorp; When you think GlobaCorp, think Bling
4.    CAT Plan: nt dd! Jst gthrng mmntm!
5.    Sky’s The Limit!

When you finally arrive here in Denver, I’ll have an updated suite of communications methodologies for you. After months of reliable service, Delaware Jen is signing off [link to Order document] and I would like to thank her for her loyal service.

Voice Mail To J.B. Calhoun from “Manny” (linked from above “approved” text)

[Manny = J.B.’s Boss. GargantiCo COO Maaunoay Paoupaso]

Voice Mail Voice:    Thursday, December 11, Nine Twenty Nine P.M., ONE new messages

[beep beep beep]

Manny’s Voice:    Okay J.B., let’s review.  We try unsuccessfully for how many years to get GlobaCorp’s business? This guy Bling, who I’ve never even seen, steps in and within 6 months we’ve got a PO, and then an increase, and our Board Members are hearing great things straight from Kalliente? Yet you submit to me an annual review you want me to approve where you PAN Bling on his “unorthodox” methods? I DON’T CARE ABOUT METHODS! I don’t care if he’s consulting Oija boards and keeps a pet porpoise, we’ve got numbers to make. Results, J.B.. RESULTS! So why don’t you re-work the evaluation with that in mind. I don’t want to read it again, but let’s just say, a happy Bling means a happy Manny. Let’s support our troops!

Molly Tuttle E-Mail (inked from Item 3 above).

—–Original Message—–
From: Tuttle, Molly
To: ‘Bling’ [GargantiCo]
Subject: Assessment Test

Mr. Bling –
I do thank you for your kind words of encouragement and constructive feedback. I know I have many areas I need to work on in the coming year and I knew even before I got past question 2,000, that I would not do that well on the abbreviated, standard test.  You’re the first person at Gargantico who’s ever taken an interest in my development!

Also, I appreciate the all-expense paid trip to Dusseldorf! Did you know it’s all the way in Germany? It is a lovely town, and Tommy is a dynamic and generous host. I’d never had beer before, much less been to Europe! They’re both great (especially beer)!

– Molls

Delaware Jen Order Document (linked from above text)

Bling 12 Order

~ by joshuakelly on December 31, 2007.

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