Bling 12: November Status Report


TO:        J.B. CALHOUN

FR:        P. BLING



Item 1: Denver All-Staff
Recuperating nicely from my Gemini test flight – thanks for asking. At this rate, we may be side by side glad-handing at the Denver all-staff by the time you get this. Looking forward to putting some faces with names and/or names with faces. Heard the meeting theme is “The Future’s So Bright We Gotta Wear Shades”. Excelsior!

Item 2: Terry C.’s Replacement
Pat informs me Mike D. will be Terry C.’s interim replacement, handling most of his duties, aside from those that previously overlapped with Candace P.’s or Andre L.’s. Thus, I have included Mike D. as a CC for now, though I hear more than mere rumblings of a re-org.

Item 3: Abacus
Please confirm that my trusted emissary, one T. Tango, has arrived [link to handwritten note below] at HQ with the aforementioned parcel. And if you could give me the updated total dollar amount on The Orders, once decoded, that would be great. We’ve annihilated The Numbers.

Item 4: Office Fridge
To be clear, I do not have anything in the office refrigerators located on the 1st, 3rd, and 5th floors. I understand [link to all-staff memo below] they are being cleaned out soon. During one visit, I did leave a large box of shrimp fried rice in the 3rd floor fridge’s side door (where people often store milk or soda) with every intention of retrieving it before leaving. But my schedule was such that, tragically, I had to leave it behind. I’m certain it was discarded during the last cleaning; if not, it may be disposed of now. Bottom line: do not concern yourself with any Bling-owned foodstuffs which may be, but are likely not, currently found in any Gargantico-owned refrigerators.

Item 5: Litigation Plan

Pleased to hear there is more happening on the legal front than was evident through my preliminary research, but remain convinced that our organization is suffering from lack of cohesive litigation stratagems.

In addition to better publicizing existing issues, we simply must generate new ones. Our current docket offers nothing salacious or newsworthy. Surely, at minimum, someone in our finance department has cooked books and can be publicly pilloried with vague implications of executive conspiracy? Better still are accusations that we’ve engaged in anti-competitive practices, or that our management is sexually deviant. I submit to you the irrefutable adage “there’s no such thing as bad publicity”. We need headlines!

In yet another precursor to my Regional Manager ascension, I have already alerted various state and federal agencies, as well as members of the news media, to our impending embroilment in various legal fiascos that will make us a recurring fixture on the business page. With the type of media air cover you see below, I can march into prospective clients with Confidence High!

“Gargantico Case Could Be Biggest Ever”
“More Gargantico Groping Reported”
“Gargantico Claims Reach $3 Billion“
“Feds May Break Up Gargantico: Too Dominant”
“Gargantico’s Legal Woes Continue”
“Indictments Handed Down Today at Gargantico”
“Scandal Deepens at Gargantico”
“Gargantico Exec Is Serial Exhibitionist”
“Competitors: Gargantico Literally Stole Our Lunch Money”

Item 6: Personnel Issue(s)
Molly Tuttle’s lack of responsiveness on the F-4 snack food replenishment issue is indicative of a larger organizational problem: the automatons in HR have yet to introduce a halfway decent system of personality/aptitude testing coupled with re-programming/career coaching required to for peak personnel performance.

To test my theory, and again demonstrate manager-esque initiative, I will remotely administer an abbreviated test to Molly this month. I will forward the results immediately upon tabulation.

Meanwhile, no need to call me or Jen since I’ll surely be chatting with you directly in Denver in a few short days/hours. Which reminds me – please have Molly call with dates/locations of the all-staff ASAP – my printed info got a little blurry in the wash.

Handwritten Meeting-Interruption Note on Letterhead or Pink Message Note (Linked from above)

Sorry to interrupt – guy named Tango in lobby. Says you’re expecting abacus (?). Urgently needs travel reimburse. Nod if okay.

Memo Linked from above on Letterhead

  All Gargantico Staff

FR:    Ruby Van Offenberg
VP, Human Resources

RE:     Refrigeration Benefits

As you know, Gargantico is committed to providing best of breed employee retention and productivity perquisites on an ongoing basis. As such, office refrigerators were deployed on the 1st, 3rd, and 5th floors of our headquarters offices, and made available to Gargantico employees, beginning in April of 2002. These refrigerators are provided for the use of Gargantico employees who elect to maximize their retained earnings by bringing wholesome and economical foods from their place of residence to their place of work on a daily basis for purposes of nourishment in the noon timeframe.

The availability of these refrigerators, which are comparable to or exceed the quality of refrigerators made available to employees at companies anywhere in the industry (including PanOmni, where aged Whirlpool’s with no ice dispensers are still the norm), is considered a revocable privilege, not an irrefutable right, as further detailed in your 2003 Employee Handbook.

Unfortunately, as those of you who witnessed the hazardous waste team’s efforts relative to the 3rd floor kitchen last week will attest, some Gargantico employees have abused these privileges, and existing rules assigned thereto, and we are forced to institute a comprehensive new set of policies regarding the use of the fridges, effective immediately. A complete list will be posted on the door of each refrigerator by the end of the week. However, below are some of the more important new terms, which need to be addressed immediately. Know that the executive team has approved the stationing of surveillance cameras to monitor adherence to the following:

1.    The fridge on the 5th floor will be cleaned out each business day at 2 p.m., and all contents catalogued and destroyed.
2.    The fridge on the 3rd floor will be cleaned out each business day at 3 p.m., and all contents catalogued and destroyed.
3.    The fridge on the 1st floor will be cleaned out each business day at 4 p.m., and all contents catalogued and destroyed.
4.    The sparkling wines and fine chocolates stocked in the 5th floor fridge are spill-over from the executive dining storage facilities and are for consumption by designated executives only. They may not be touched without the express written consent of management, nor may any employee’s foodstuffs abut these items. They will not be removed daily as specified in rules 1-3 above.
5.    No shrimp fried rice may be stored in any fridge for any length of time.

As part of this plan, please help me to welcome Amethyst Tate, who joins the custodial staff (with a dotted line to security) and will be in charge of the Kitchen & Refrigeration team. Amethyst’s 12 years of experience in office kitchen management will be an invaluable asset to this new initiative.

Thank you for your attention to this matter. And for making Gargantico the greatest company, with the greatest refrigeration program, in the whole wide world.

~ by joshuakelly on November 30, 2007.

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