Bling 11: October Status Report


TO:        J.B. CALHOUN

FR:        P. BLING


Bling 11 Chart

Item 1: Abacus Sighting

Good news! After fully mobilizing [link to e-mail] my global informant network behind recovery of the decoder abacus needed to process the daunting stack of encrypted Orders, reliable European sources (a man I will refer to only as Tommy Tango) sighted [link to picture of abacus in bathroom] the device in the “facilities” of a Dusseldorf beer garden only yesterday. Based on our shared fondness for carvery cuisine and frothy beverages, it’s no surprise Terry C. would make this location his next stop on the lam and designate a Teutonic urinal as drop spot for transfer of the device into the grubby hands of the moles at PanOmni. Foiled again! I’ll ask that T. Tango personally courier the device to your attention. Until I know it’s safely in your hands, I simply can’t risk putting the Orders in transit. However, please gross up The Numbers accordingly since these sales are essentially “in the bank”. On to more important matters.

Item 2: Pending Orders

To confirm – Bismarck is in North Dakota and Orem is in Utah. Surprised you were not aware of the pivotal trade events that occur semi-annually in these fine municipalities.

Item 3: Legal Crisis
Frankly, J.B., someone is asleep at the switch. Or the wheel. I am uncertain as to whether sleeping at the wheel or the switch is the better analogy here. Point is, I have noticed a disturbing lack of activity on the legal front. I Googled us and could find not a single mention of high-profile litigation in which we are involved. Are we not suing or being sued? Is there no one who sees the name Gargantico and thinks “deep pockets”? Conversely, can we not claim that The Numbers would have been exponentially enriched were it not for the underhanded tactics of some competing, and ideally cash-rich, enterprise? The answers, I say, are no, maybe, and yes! But the bigger question is: how do we maintain our corporate America credibility unless attorney armadas are continuously and conspicuously deployed toward our interests on multiple fronts? Clearly, our General Counsel is not drumming up enough work. I will provide more details of my plan next month. For now, know that I’ve already taken action [link to VM below], and that we should plan for January’s corporate tagline to be the following:

“We’re Gargantico: so sue us!”

Item 4: Project Gemini

Engineering and anatomical problems surfaced in further testing. Without going into gory detail, as a result of implementing the aforementioned pants activation device in tandem with trousers that are a bit too snug, I will need to spend some time with my nether regions in an elevated position, while gestating here at my laundro-office. Do a wounded warrior the small favor of re-stressing to Molly Tuttle the importance of re-stocking the peanut butter/cheese crackers in our electronic pantry. This is a message she still doesn’t seem to get clearly.

Item 5: GlobaCorp Status
J.B., such is the strength of the relationship I have established with GlobaCorp, I expect you may now begin invoicing them at will and at whim in any amount you choose. No less an executive than Jesus Kalliente himself (recently promoted to EVP, I understand) has asked that I be on site whenever my hectic schedule permits, if not continuously. My patented credos (e.g., “Confidence is High!”) are even emblazoned on conference room walls throughout their HQ. Our corporate cultures already mesh so thoroughly that we may wish to consider acquiring them soon.

Assuming I’ve recovered, perhaps we’ll catch up at the fiscal year kickoff in Denver next month. Until then, I’m switching from a Blackberry to a GoodLink, but DE Jen should be prepared to fulfill her forwarding duties if the Laundromat pay phone still won’t take incoming calls.

Voice Mail To JB Calhoun (linked from above text)

Voice Mail Voice:    Tuesday, October 12, Three Thirty Seven P.M., ONE new messages

[beep beep beep]

Official’s Voice:    Mr. Calhoun, my name is Madison Aldridge. I’m calling from the state Attorney General’s office. I have the same message in to the General Counsel and Corporate Secretary names we have on file here for your company. It’s in response to a strange sequence of correspondence our office has received in the past few days. Each day, we’re getting the business page of a different newspaper pasted with a mock headline involving your company. Today, for example, the headline was “Gargantico Market Dominance Deemed Unfair”. In others, you yourself are named in some sort of conspiracy. I think we need to plan on getting together to talk about this. Please contact my office as soon as possible.

E-Mail To JB Calhoun (linked from above text)

—–Original Message—–
From: Kalliente, Jesus
Sent: Monday, October 12, 2002 01:47 PM
To: ‘JB Calhoun’ [GargantiCo]
Subject: Bling Magic

J.B. – It’s the craziest thing. Morale here’s at an all-time high. Our sales force is giddy even though the economy’s in the crapper. I’m seeing results in the quarterly numbers. That’s after only a couple meetings and some e-mails from Bling. So I’m asking my admin to re-issue a new and larger P.O. for his services.

My big problem right now is not how much he’s worth, but figuring out what accounting GL the expense should hit. What do you call him –HR consulting? Entertainment? A mascot? We need a new category, but we’ll figure it out.

Thanks again for bringing him to us. BTW, I got a message from some clown at your place who wants talk about what the rest of your company does – whatever that is (I thought it was systems and process analysis or IT, but some people seem to think it’s apparel or maybe novelties). But I don’t really care and we really only want to deal with Bling.

E-Mail Chain Re: Abacus (linked from above text)

—–Original Message—–
From: Rudytango
Sent: Thursday, October, 17, 2002 10:36 AM
To: Bling! [GargantiCo]
Subject: RE: Abacus

Bling. Amazing how timely your e-mail was – I’ve already spotted your abacus and attached a photo for your confirmation.

I await your instructions, oh great corporate Svengali. Shall I board a Learjet this very day and personally courier the device to some high-ranking American executive at the company’s expense? Perhaps it should be sent directly to the head of some obscure nation state or… oh, I can only speculate. Tell me!

T. Tango [?]

—–Original Message—–
From: Rudytango
Sent: Thursday, October, 17, 2002 10:35 AM
To: Mats Wannerstrom
Subject: RE: Hallelujah

Mats – Perfecto. I’m forwarding now.

—–Original Message—–
From: Mats Wannerstrom
Sent: Thursday, October, 17, 2002 10:34 AM
To: Rudytango
Subject: RE: Hallelujah

Rudy – This has all the signs of a classic. Tell me if you think the attached will do it?

[attached photo]

—–Original Message—–
From: Rudytango
Sent: Thursday, October, 17, 2002 08:24 AM
To: Mats Wannerstrom
Subject: Hallelujah

Mats –
He’s back! We’re on with Bling again. Check out the below. This could be the best one yet. Here’s what you gotta do while I’m at work. Go down to Schenker’s. No wait, first go down to Chinatown and buy an abacus. THEN, go down to Schenker’s and take a digital picture of it in the toilet or something. I don’t know – you get the idea. Hurry!

– Rudy

—–Original Message—–
From: Rudytango
Sent: Thursday, October, 17, 2002 08:22 AM
To: Bling! [GargantiCo]
Subject: RE: Abacus

Bling! My god I’ve prayed for another correspondence from you ever since we worked together to enable the Euro transition and dig the Chunnel. My dreary existence is made that much better by your e-presence. I will, of course, put my full attention to this matter immediately.

Your faithful servant. Tommy Tango
(P.S. – is that still supposed to be my name?)

—–Original Message—–
Sent: Wednesday, October 16, 2002 12:01 PM
BCC: Global Moles Distribution List
Subject: Abacus

Trusted Emissaries. Bling here. To verify: the quick brown donkey jumps over the lazy frog.

Was it Churchill, or Caesar or Nixon or someone entirely else who once said “ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country”? Well I first ask you to insert “Bling” wherever it says “country” above. I then move on to tell you what you can do for me.

You are of course familiar with the longstanding practice of thwarting corporate espionage by encrypting sales orders for safe transit, and then decrypting them once safely received using a secret decoder abacus. Well, the unthinkable has happened. The official guardian of Gargantico’s abacus defected, taking the vital instrument with him on the lam. He could be anywhere, though based on his itinerary and predilections, I would focus on north Europe and central Mexico or anywhere else fine ales, stouts, and pilsners are served.

What I ask is simple. Keep your eyes out for an abacus. That may sound silly, based on the number of abacuses you no doubt encounter daily. However, I assure you this one will make itself known to you. It will appear to be just the sort of workaday abacus you all carry in your attache’ cases, but you will see it in an odd spot that will make you say “hey, that’s a strange spot for an abacus”. That will be our abacus. You must notify me at once.

One other clue. Our deranged traitor seems to have acquired a taste for sabotaging commodes for no purpose other than the sick thrill of it. Take care!


~ by joshuakelly on October 31, 2007.

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