Bling 10: September Status Report

M E M O R A N D U M

TO: J.B. CALHOUN
VP, PRODUCTS & SERVICES, INTELLICORP

FR: P. BLING
STRATEGIC ACCOUNTS, WEST

CC: TERRY C’s REPLACEMENT (?), PAT L.

RE:
SEPTEMBER STATUS REPORT
____________________________________________________________________________

Bling 10 Chart

Item 1: Columbus Orders
Shocked to hear Terry C. left under such mysterious circumstances. Need I remind you – it is he who possesses the decoder abacus required to decipher long unfulfilled Columbus orders. My greatest fear is that the abacus will fall to the villains at PanOmni. Matched to customer information gleaned via espionage at certain hof braus and hotel bathrooms, the device could prove devastating. I have already initiated inquiries [link to Big Tone VM] aimed at:
• tracking down Terry C. and recovering the abacus
• determining whether some larger, sinister conspiracy led to this misunderstanding.
The latter is vital. If HR has no record of the action, what plot led Terry to believe he was fired? Further, what manner of unceremonious dismissal would incite him to flush M-80s down the executive toilets and relocate to central Mexico? We need to know, sir.

Item 2: Pending Orders
While the loss will not impact The Numbers for purposes of my bonus, it may have significant revenue impact. Only the growing opportunity with GlobaCorp (see Item 5) can save us. Meanwhile, as we await resolution on the above, note that I withheld orders from the following shows and sales calls (all roaring successes) pending recovery of the decoder abacus:

• Des Moines
• Albuquerque
• Tucson
• Eugene
• Fresno
• Bismarck
• Santa Fe
• St. George
• Provo
• Antioch
• Weed
• Shasta
• Barstow
• Orem
• Ashland
• Grant’s Pass
• Tacoma
• Crater Lake
• Whistler
• Victoria
• Catalina
• Boonville
• Truckee
• Snohomish
• Calistoga
• Anaheim
• Pullman
• Park City

Item 3: F4s
Please stress to Molly Tuttle the importance of re-stocking the vending machine here at my laundro-office with F-4s. Nothing sustains me like their improbable combination of cheesy crackers and rich peanut butter. If the draught persists, my productivity may ebb.

Item 4: Project Gemini
I have been busy refining this project since first mentioned in May. I will remain secretive for now, except to say that initial testing has been promising. To complete further tests, I will need a few essential supplies (Molly will coordinate, but may need your approval): plain front khaki trousers in waist sizes 32 – 48 (2 pair each size), 2 gross of AA Batteries, two tins of Gold Bond Medicated Cream (anti-chafing), and a Eurrail pass.

Item 5: GlobaCorp Kickoff
For all those who fear the loss of the abacus will prevent us from making The Numbers, I say you must not have attended the GlobaCorp kickoff event. I am forwarding a copy of my presentation and talking notes for your file marked “Evidence of Bling’s Management Potential”. While my CAT Plan is mired in corporate bureaucracy here at Gargantico, all my development efforts will not go to waste if we can apply it at GlobaCorp and reap 7-figure consulting fees. Confidence is High!

Delaware Jen has been a tad jittery lately, so until she secures the restraining order, I recommend contacting me via Blackberry (service levels are now up to 60%), or on the Laundromat pay phone (although I will be in Mexico).

____________________
Voice Mail To Bling (linked from above text)

Voice Mail Voice: Tuesday, September 23, One Twenty Two A.M., ONE new messages

[beep beep beep]

Big Tone’s Voice: Yo, this Big Tone Hofbrau Columbus. Bling, man, I ain’t got yo mudda[beep]in’ abba kiss, dawg. I don’t EVEN need to hold out on you – I already got the top of the line HP Scientific does my back-solving for any variable in my equations. Y’all need to start keepin’ betta track a your bidness, though. Serious. Seem like we always got somethin’ Gargantico. My man Tito out at the Fresno HofBrau tell me he get the same thing – Gargantico letters, Gargantico files, Gargantico PCs – it’s just a accident y’all still in bidness cuz haff your stuff up in some Hofbrau most times..yo but while I got you – wassup with Molly Tuttle? Mmm! Hook a brutha up, Phin. Holla back.

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~ by joshuakelly on September 30, 2007.

 
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