Bling 0: November Status Report






Item 1: Thanks again
Want to reiterate my sincere appreciation for the opportunity to serve as Western Regional Accounts Coordinator under your worthy stewardship. As we discussed, I am wholly committed to The Numbers, efficiencies (I am reviewing all company policies and documentation already), and all other key deliverables of the job (whatever they may or may not be). I also want to reiterate, with no qualms, my stated mission to become Regional Manager as soon as possible. Will my accomplishments soon merit such consideration? Confidence is high!

Item 2: In Communicado
Please know that this remote working arrangement will not be any sort of impediment. Monthly status reports will keep you apprised of major developments. And, given my 24-hour availability via voice-mail, e-mail, blackberry, pager, mobile phone, landline, and all the other modern communication accoutrements, more trivial matters can be easily dispatched

Obviously, since I have only been on staff for seven short weeks, you should not expect the first meaningful Status Report until December, when I will be in position to relay big wins from Columbus.

Item 3: Columbus
I’m assuming Ohio, but please advise as to the exact address, dates, times, equipment, rationale, and other details surrounding the Columbus show. On a personal note, are you familiar with any of the better Hof Brau’s in the greater Columbus area?

Item 4: Facilities
I admit to a brief moment of confusion when the address provided to me as my remote office led me to what outwardly appeared to be an ordinary coin-op laundromat. Call it rookie jitters – I was ready to second-guess the street name (this town, I believe, boasts a 2nd Street as well as a 2nd Avenue). Then I recalled our emphatic discussion of corporate espionage, and the importance of shielding GargantiCo activities with respect to our nosy competitors. Thus reassured, I have bivouacked by the pay phone and snack machine (please have your assistant re-stock the F-4’s at her earliest convenience) and am ready for action. I don’t expect to be spending much time here, but on those rare occasions when I’m not booked into back-to-back face-time with important clients, this will be an outstanding, clandestine habitat for all Bling endeavors. The alpine-scented, womb-like ambience only enhances my productivity. However, please ensure that the lint traps are cleaned regularly to minimize allergens.

To sum up:
1. Phineas Bling will not let you down.
2. Repeat: will not let you down.
3. We WILL make The Numbers.
4. Need more F-4s (the vending machine code applied to deceptively tasty sandwiches with the logic-defying combo of peanut butter and cheese crackers) and much less lint.
5. Feel free to contact me prior to my next report – all the above-mentioned contact information is forthcoming and possibly en route even as we speak.

Voice Mail To Maanoay “Manny” Paoupaso (transcript)

[Manny = J.B.’s Boss. GargantiCo COO Maaunoay Paoupaso]

Voice Mail Voice: Friday, July 7, Nine Twenty Nine P.M., ONE new messages

[beep beep beep]

Manny’s Voice: J.B. – forwarding this message from your man Bling. Not sure what to make of it. Sounds like it might have been cut off or something. Want you to know, though, I am completely 100% behind you guys on the front lines. Just tell me what you need to get the job done

Voice Mail Voice: Attached message.

Bling’s Voice: Your man Bling here. A quick approval on the following would be most appreciated: vrooooommmmm! Bong bong bong bong bong ahhhhhhh!.

I await your most worthy assessment.


E-Mail (referenced above)

—–Original Message—–
From: Kalliente, Jesus
Sent: Wednesday, July 8, 2002 02:50 PM
To: ‘JB Calhoun’ [GargantiCo]
Subject: The Bling Project

Mr. Calhoun –

Attached please find our purchase order #2850009874 in requisition of Phineas Bling’s services and commitment to the GlobaCorp account.

To be clear, we can still only guess what sort of products or services your company supplies. We only know that by providing this P.O., we are assured of continued, regular interaction with Bling. To that end, we are committing $5,000 a month to pay for his time, materials, and expenses. Please do not bill us anything more or less as we expect no particular deliverables from this relationship. We will simply need him to meet with as many folks as possible within our company, and provide various proposals or other written correspondence at his discretion – our intention is that he will serve a vital corporate morale function of some sort.

If, for any reason, Bling’s employment at Gargantico should end, this PO will be terminated, effective immediately.

Thanks again for bringing us Bling. We can’t wait to see what’s next.

Jesus Kalliente
Senior Vice President, GlobaCorp

~ by joshuakelly on September 1, 2007.

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