Bling 7: June Status Report


TO:        J.B. CALHOUN

FR:        P. BLING

CC:        TERRY C., PAT L.


Item 1: Columbus Orders
Pleased, but not at all surprised, to hear the Columbus orders were finally located. You were correct to assume that The Orders were indeed written in a long-dormant Cantonese derivation encrypted into numeric form. Couldn’t take the chance of vital info falling into the wrong hands. Terry C. should easily be able to transcribe using his custom-modified abacus decoder device. If not, talk to Pat L. or shoot me an e-mail. Surely The Numbers are now easily within reach!

Item 2: Roles & Responsibilities
Thank you for your request to see a complete list of my job responsibilities. Always good to make sure expectations are clear, particularly as my role is continuously expanding in scope. I assume that in the course of auditing my activities it will become apparent that, although my title is still technically “ Regional Coordinator”, I am already performing duties normally associated with Regional Manager. At this point, a promotion is just a formality.

The 26 Duties of Phineas Bling, Western Regional Accounts Coordinator

(Current as of June, 2002)

1.    The management of a specified region, in addition to any mere coordination of that region
2.    Configuring, tracking, and monitoring The Numbers.
3.    Ongoing recalculation of The Numbers as needed to correlate more closely with the ensuing actual numbers.
4.    Generation of monthly Account Status memos (this month’s for example, which is dedicated solely to the enumeration of my activities, chief among them being the generation of memos such as this month’s)
5.    The distribution, maintenance, and administration of monthly Account Status memos
6.    Manage staff of 1.5 (i.e., Molly Tuttle, Delaware Jen)
7.    Tradeshow representation, ad hoc booth and signage construction, entertainment, damage control.
8.    Memorization and subsequent safe transport and/or re-transcription of The Orders ensuing from such trade shows
9.    Key relationships cultivation (i.e., the GlobaCorp account), care, and feeding
10.    Sales
11.    Submission of business travel, entertainment, and related personal expenses
12.    The frequent monitoring of (and only slightly less frequent response to) voice mail, e-mail, faxes, pages, blackberry notes, snail mail, and inter-office communications. Includes coordination with outside vendors who may misroute such ingoing/outgoing messages due to technology snafus, ruthless competitors, human error, or other unforeseeable events that may tend to divert signals to locations on the Eastern seaboard, notably Delaware. The calling up and vicious chewing out of customer service managers at telecommunications companies who may well have no record of you as a customer.
13.    Product and business development (i.e., better pants, morale-based inspirational alliances, out of the box thought, strategic and non-strategic alliances)
14.    Efficiency vigilance
15.    The creation of proposals of varying length and subject matter, including all supporting (real or imagined) facts, background, and calculations
16.    Systems, system processes, process systems, and processes (i.e. acronyms and other linguistic truncation conventions).
17.    Corporate identity, slogans, advertising, public relations, logos, promotions, tag-lines, mission statements, corporate philosophies, color palettes, typefaces, packaging, events, brand guidelines, signatures sounds, communications, and marketing.
18.    Hof Brau quality control
19.    Competitive counter-intelligence (i.e., the intentional misplacing of sensitive documents such as The Orders in public restrooms and Hof Braus with the goal of having them discovered by competitive personnel, except that you have altered the documents to mislead the discoverer – note that you have memorized The Orders as per Number 8 above and so any physical documents found by competitors are, by definition, counter-intelligence).
20.    Pursuit of value addition
21.    Do not watch SpectraVision, or other in-room hotel movies, as it arouses suspicion. If you must watch, do not submit a record for expense purposes. Also, if you do submit such record, it should be clear that the movie viewed is always “Toy Story 2”
22.    Policy minutiae and operating regulation review, subsequent recommendations, global distribution. Approval facilitation (if necessary).
23.    Straw men, pilots, betas, models, devil’s advocacy, hypothetical scenario verbalization.
24.    Confidence escalation
25.    The generation and maintenance of roles and responsibilities documents for the purpose of managing new and existing personnel.
26.    Force majeure.

Jen’s back on my cell phone staff and more reliable than ever (broke fibula in the Adirondacks). My Blackberry’s an option, as long as we don’t port to the CAT system mid-month.

~ by joshuakelly on June 30, 2007.

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