Bling 4: March Status Report


TO:        J.B. CALHOUN

FR:        P. BLING

CC:        TERRY C., PAT L.


Item 1:  Clarification re: my Columbus Orders Still Missing?
Per our voice mails, I agree with a primary assessment indicating you were not incorrect in any initial contention(s) related to whether Terry C. or Pat L. would not have been among those uninvolved with any intermediary distribution of The Orders to initiate the CRM input process, unless and until there were any mitigating circumstances regarding processing snafus or policy issues. Rest assured, heads will roll if The Orders don’t turn up soon! I believe I have shared my strong feelings about the importance of The Orders in previous memos.

Item 2: Acronym System [Hereafter, “CAT”]. 
“Down time” while we wait for GlobaCorp’s response to our recent proposal (let me know if you here something from Kalliente first) [link to Kalliente e-mail] provided me the opportunity to further hone my exhaustive acronym system, presented below for your approval.

Background: What began as a simple e-mail naming convention has become something much more – the “Communicate with Acronyms and Truncations” (CAT) system.  It’s the kind of breakthrough that will surely weigh heavily in your choice of future Regional Managers.

J.B., I’m sure you’ve heard people say “time is money”. Of course, you and I know they do not mean that time is literally money. Because imagine if time were green and crinkly with dead President’s heads on it (and that it varied widely in appearance by country). It’s just that it might as well be money because it, like money, is so valuable. Which brings us to my system.

My proposed approach promises to save GargantiCo untold hours by abbreviating the entire “input” process involved in typing and formulating communications. What if GargantiCo’s 2,400 employees could each save just 1 hour per day?

a. # of Employees
b. Hours Saved Per Day    c. $ Per Hour (based on avg salary of $50k/yr)    $ Saved per Annum
(a x b x c x 365)
2,400    1    $25    $21,900,000

I think I have your attention now – the annual savings here make proposals such as GlobaCorp seem like so many soggy circus peanuts (and the aforementioned misplaced Columbus Orders, like wispy popcorn farts). But how will we accomplish this? Simple.

Approach: I never doubted that the system would yield significant “input” efficiencies. The challenge, of course, was to ensure intuitive “output” – we do not want employees to waste as much time decoding as they have saved in entering (of course, input and output are relative terms). The conservative assumptions at work here came to me in a divine moment during my trip to Sante Fe [link to bar napkin from “Koko’s Hof Brau”] last week:

Removing 1 Hour (or 14%) from an 8 hour work day </= Eliminating 5 letters (19%) from a 26 letter alphabet

Rather than describe it any further, I provide below an example using my system. You tell me if it’s intuitive. You tell me if it won’t save time. If your next e-mail to me (assuming my Blackberry’s functioning, I’m not out of range, or the network isn’t down) is written using this system, I’ll know we’re a “GO!” for company-wide rollout.

I already have the memo ready for global distribution.

Xmpl: Cnfdnce hgh! Wll dfntly mk Th Nmbrs. JB 2 rch PhnsBlng thrgh mbl phn (thrgh Dlwr Jn) / blckbrry (xcpt whn brkn). Lng Lv GrgntC!

Thx, JB.

Kalliente e-mail (linked from text in memo)

—–Original Message—–
From: Kalliente, Jesus
Sent: Wednesday, February 28, 2002 09:50 AM
To: ‘JB Calhoun’ [GargantiCo]
Subject: Bling Bliss

Mr. Calhoun –

Received the Bling Proposal. Two words: thank you. I thank you. My staff thanks you. Everyone who passes by the glassed-in viewing area we have set up to display the document in our lobby thanks you. It is currently more popular than the employee lunchroom, and immensely more cost effective as a benefit of employment here at GlobaCorp.

Just today, we received a follow-up e-mail from Bling written entirely without vowels. We’re not sure what to make of it, but we know there’s genius at work.

Surely, we would all perish from sheer boredom were it not for Bling’s guru-like presence in our lives. Please schedule me into more meetings, calls, e-mails, and proposals with Bling at once.

Jesus Kalliente
Senior Vice President, GlobaCorp

Bar Napkin (linked from text in memo)

Logo:     Koko’s HofBrau N’ Lawn Darts

Style:     [Drunken, excitable scrawlings, bar glass stains]


Issue – time spent writing.
Need more than just acromyns

# Letters: 27 [crossed out] 26 (verify with mom)
Hours in day: 8 (good! – implies I don’t eat lunch)

Kill all vowels! 5 / 27 = 19% savings

[different writing] This guy’s a phreakin’ genius! – Koko

~ by joshuakelly on March 31, 2007.

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