To Donald Trump Re: Ms. Universe Is a Bit of a Stretch

Wherein I question The Donald as to whether we truly know enough about the universe to anoint its fairest lass. I sent it, but he did not reply.

July 24, 2006

Mr. Donald Trump
The Trump Organization
725 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY 10022

Dear Mr. Trump:

This evening, after Barron nods off and you’re finally sipping Cristal with Melania on the deck of your Manhattan aerie, try this exercise. Gaze deep into the night sky. Pick the most distant, faint star visible to your naked eye. Consider that the light you see from that star left its origin a thousand years ago or more. Somewhere well beyond it are the fringes of all existence, the boundary marked by the first primordial matter that jettisoned into oblivion at the instant of the Big Bang. Kaboom! Beyond that, an aged (yet ageless) glowing man in white robes and a long beard sits on a golden throne amid fluffy clouds, smiling his all-knowing smile.

Thus transfixed, think to yourself, “my company has just crowned the most beautiful creature to be found anywhere in all of this creation”.

I speak, of course, of the new Miss Universe, nee Miss Puerto Rico, nee Zuleyka Rivera Mendoza.

The 2006 Miss Universe pageant was a feast for the senses! Such beauty! Such style! Such grace and intelligence! I think you’d agree that women are the superior gender; you must then agree that the most superior human beings on earth were on display at the Shrine Auditorium last night!

Which brings me to my question. Can we truly be certain that Ms. Mendoza is the fairest of all in the entire universe? Granted, it’s hard to dispute the judges on this (after all, I may be one myself someday). I mean, va va voom! Although Miss Japan had it going on in a big way too. But to find out if Zuleyka’s title is truly justified, I think we need to start with a definition of just what this “universe” thing really is.

Definitions vary, but the universe is generally considered to be a finite or infinite space-time continuum that includes the summation of all matter that exists and the space in which all events occur.

That’s a lot of responsibility to squeeze into one little Mikimoto tiara!

I reiterate that Miss Universe (nee Miss Puerto Rico) may indeed still be the fairest being in the entire universe as I’ve just defined it. But I might be more confident in that conclusion if I’d been presented with at least one representative from outside the Milky Way galaxy. Instead, we had only occupants of Earth, which is just one little blue speck of cosmic dust among the millions of galaxies, containing perhaps trillions of planets, that, presumably, must contain at least two or three other forms of life that should have been permitted to compete for this lofty and all-inclusive title.

Where was, say, Miss Gropnoid 7, who might be composed entirely of a putrid yellow gas yet able to communicate telepathically with heartbreaking clarity? What of Miss Eastern Alpha Centauri, with her 27 tentacles, one giant eye, and juggling prowess non pareil? Shouldn’t there have been at least one gal with a traditional “little green [wo]man from Mars” appearance? Wouldn’t a little lady with E.T.’s heartlight have won the judges over? Shouldn’t there be at least one contestant who sports a titanium bathing suit constructed for dips in molecular acid pools, or whose talent would be shape-shifting? Was there even a Miss Iceland?

I observed a profound dearth of diversity among the contestants, who clearly all fell squarely in the earthling and humanoid camp. Were I a resident of another world, I might even suspect the fix was on. I only hope these unrepresented alien creatures don’t get miffed and invade us with their advanced weapons technologies. Boy, wouldn’t you feel guilty.

On the bright side, I think you’ve taken care of the time issue nicely – by adding 2006, you place the contest and its winner in a point on the temporal continuum that is understood to mean the particular version of 2006 contemplated on the show, and you don’t have to worry really about those pesky mirrored dimensions and alternate realities that might be occurring simultaneously. Plus, even if there were another 2006 going on right now in an alternate dimension, I think we can assume you’d have a carbon copy Trump in those dimensions running something called the Miss Universe 2006 pageant as well. So the outcome would be the same, except water might go down the drain the other direction. And Carson Kressley would be straight.

But this is all so obvious. Clearly, the issue with the title is space, not time. What a relief!

So the way I see it, you might go three ways to address the tear in the fabric of the cosmos that your pageant has created:

1. Change the title to Miss Known Universe (or an accepted variation like Miss Observable Universe or Miss Visible Universe) to more accurately reflect the limits of human knowledge (which is piddling, I’m sure you’ll agree, as you squint out at the star above Manhattan that may yet prove to be a helicopter)
2. Send radio signals out into the aether inviting other forms of life to participate (hint: use binary code. You know, 1s and 0s. Because it’s widely accepted that there is a universal language among nerds). They may not hear it for a few thousand years, but at least you’re on record as having tried when they come for us with their plasma guns. We can just say “What? You didn’t get our message?”
3. Go to the opposite extreme. What the heck? Claim more turf with the title by calling it “Miss Multiverse”. This may be more in keeping with your splashy style! And it would be so “over-the-top” absurd – no one from a different galaxy would perceive that you would seriously presume to anoint a pan-universal champion. They’d see it as pure showmanship.

Here’s one more thing to consider about #3 – you could be trumped (no pun intended) by a competitive pageant that acknowledges our universe may be part of a system of many other universes, known as the multiverse. [Note: I’m not at all threatening to start a competitive pageant if you don’t, say, make me a judge at next year’s pageant…just alerting you to the strategic risk involved].

In closing, I thank you for producing such an exceptional pageant this year. I look forward to even greater glory next year (whether I am participating as a judge or not), when creatures from throughout the space-time continuum may compete for the chance to truly represent everything that exists everywhere. Imagine how trivial a speech about world peace will seem when the first contestant strides to the microphone and at last speaks (or transmits or shrieks or clicks, as the case may be) of intergalactic peace?

Best regards,

Josh Kelly

P.S. – what do we do about life forms that don’t have genders as we know it, like if they reproduce by means of mitosis or cloning? I have some thoughts on this, but probably best to share with you and my fellow judges next year.

P.P.S. – feel free to forward this along to the heads of The Miss Universe Organization or to your partners at NBC. I just thought I’d start with you because, well, you da man!

P.P.P.S. – do judges get paid?

~ by joshuakelly on December 24, 2006.

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