TO:        J.B. CALHOUN
VP, PRODUCTS & SERVICES, GARGANTICO

FR:        P. BLING
STRATEGIC ACCOUNTS, WEST

CC:        MIKE D., PAT L.

RE:        DECEMBER STATUS REPORT
____________________________________________________________________________

Item 1: Denver All-Staff
Writing from my room here at the Denver Marriott. Strangely, have yet to see a single Gargantico co-worker. Understand there’ve been flight delays so I’m not yet concerned, though I never heard back from Tuttle on travel particulars. Bellman here seems convinced that Dallas, not Denver, is “The Big D” referenced as the locale. If I weren’t so confident in my geology skills, I’d be worried you’re all there in Texas right now sipping wassail and gnawing carvery meats.

Item 2: Annual Review
Thanks much for the approved annual review paperwork, and attached “marching orders” document. As my voice mail indicated, there are software version issues with the actual file itself that have thus far proven insurmountable. So I have not yet reviewed, but intend to be in full agreement with all positive recommendations. Rest assured, I’m in constant communicado with Tech Help to have the document ported. As you know, I am loyal to WordPerfect for Macintosh, which has not been produced in earnest since 1989ish, but is vastly superior to all subsequent solutions, minus a few trivial translation/functionality features.

Item 3: Personnel Issues
Following up on the personnel management thoughts from last month, wanted to provide you the results of the Molly Tuttle Assessment Pilot. Her score is as follows:

Employee Name    Score    Recommendation(s)
1. Molly B. Tuttle    FAIL    Re-programming, Re-assignment

To her credit, Molly acknowledges her shortcomings. But! To give you an idea of the depth of the problem, here is a sampling of the test questions to which she erroneously answered “yes”:

14.    I sometimes dream of running off and joining the circus
39.    If I were an animal, an ocelot would not be a bad choice
67.    Movies sometimes make me cry, even though I know they are make believe
93.    Documentaries do not always make me cry, even though I know they are real
102.    I am not certain whether Phineas Bling is a highly productive and valuable worker
104.    The phrase “asleep at the wheel” makes more sense than “asleep at the switch”
138.    I have gone more than an hour without wearing underpants
141.    I don’t think it would be so bad to live in Toledo, Ohio (at least during Springtime)
163.    Houdini did not believe in reincarnation
178.    In order to honestly say “confidence is high”, I would need to know “confidence in what?”
199.    I do not remember how many teeth I am supposed to have
224.    The noise that peacocks make at dawn is like 1,000 babies screaming all at once
257.    I enjoy vacations by the sea
368.    If I ran this company, things would be different
397.    Some of the people I work with are sometimes unpleasant
418.    I do not feel it is my responsibility to re-stock snack food vending machines
444.    I do my best to earn my pay every day
677.    I do not believe my company’s competitors are spying on us at this very moment
791.    When I think of the finest in roast beef au jus I don’t necessarily think of hof braus
944.    I do not see much reason to master the abacus
1,219.    When ingested with carbonated soda, PopRocks are not proven lethal
1,466.    There are known knowns, but there are no known unknowns
1,748.    There are unknown unknowns, and there are no unknown knowns
1,957.    Sometimes I think my head is so big because it is so full of dreams

Shocking, I know – you think you know someone. We need to address this right away, J.B..

Item 4: Abacus
You’re correct. The abacus delivered to you by a certain T. Tango should decipher all outstanding orders. Don’t mean to be snippy, but how many times have we gone over this?

Item 4: Year One
J.B., as my inaugural year here at Gargantico comes to a close, I would like to again thank you for the opportunity and leave you with a few official thoughts:
1.    Confidence remains high!
2.    Phineas Bling: Coordinator? NO! Surely a MANAGER!
3.    When you think Bling, think GlobaCorp; When you think GlobaCorp, think Bling
4.    CAT Plan: nt dd! Jst gthrng mmntm!
5.    Sky’s The Limit!

When you finally arrive here in Denver, I’ll have an updated suite of communications methodologies for you. After months of reliable service, Delaware Jen is signing off [link to Order document] and I would like to thank her for her loyal service.

_________________________
Voice Mail To J.B. Calhoun from “Manny” (linked from above “approved” text)

[Manny = J.B.’s Boss. GargantiCo COO Maaunoay Paoupaso]

Voice Mail Voice:    Thursday, December 11, Nine Twenty Nine P.M., ONE new messages

[beep beep beep]

Manny’s Voice:    Okay J.B., let’s review.  We try unsuccessfully for how many years to get GlobaCorp’s business? This guy Bling, who I’ve never even seen, steps in and within 6 months we’ve got a PO, and then an increase, and our Board Members are hearing great things straight from Kalliente? Yet you submit to me an annual review you want me to approve where you PAN Bling on his “unorthodox” methods? I DON’T CARE ABOUT METHODS! I don’t care if he’s consulting Oija boards and keeps a pet porpoise, we’ve got numbers to make. Results, J.B.. RESULTS! So why don’t you re-work the evaluation with that in mind. I don’t want to read it again, but let’s just say, a happy Bling means a happy Manny. Let’s support our troops!

_______________________
Molly Tuttle E-Mail (inked from Item 3 above).

—–Original Message—–
From: Tuttle, Molly
To: ‘Bling’ [GargantiCo]
Subject: Assessment Test

Mr. Bling –
I do thank you for your kind words of encouragement and constructive feedback. I know I have many areas I need to work on in the coming year and I knew even before I got past question 2,000, that I would not do that well on the abbreviated, standard test.  You’re the first person at Gargantico who’s ever taken an interest in my development!

Also, I appreciate the all-expense paid trip to Dusseldorf! Did you know it’s all the way in Germany? It is a lovely town, and Tommy is a dynamic and generous host. I’d never had beer before, much less been to Europe! They’re both great (especially beer)!

- Molls

________________
Delaware Jen Order Document (linked from above text)

CC: TERRY C., PAT L.

RE: FEBRUARY STATUS REPORT
____________________________________________________________________________

After a solid month of work, interfacing with all relevant internal groups, I have finally completed the GlobaCorp proposal. The final draft is attached for your review.

As promised, we focused on the value add, and found several efficiencies. At one point, the proposal reached more than 200 pages. But I have managed to reduce it down to its essence – it is now only 1 page (preceded, of course, by some general GargantiCo background).

I do need to send it along by end of day today, so I’ll need any feedback/comments in the next hour or so. I’m highly confident that, without any changes whatsoever, we’d easily make The Numbers.

As always, you can reach me on my mobile (via Delaware Jen), or via e-mail to my Blackberry. There may still be down time on the e-mail as converting my naming conventions to the acronym system has proven more challenging than expected (more next month).

Did you make it to Des Moines?

TO:        J.B. CALHOUN
VP, PRODUCTS & SERVICES, GARGANTICO

FR:        P. BLING
STRATEGIC ACCOUNTS, WEST

CC:        TERRY C., PAT L.

RE:        JANUARY STATUS REPORT
____________________________________________________________________________

Item 1: GlobaCorp Referral. J.B., I know you manage a large organization, and it’s hard to keep all your reports “top of mind” for “next steps”. Which just increases my gratitude for forwarding the inquiry you received from GlobaCorp on Christmas Eve. Be assured, Phineas Bling will not let you down. Though not explicitly stated, I’m assuming that if I close this business, you’ll see to it that I secure that Regional Manager position. Let’s discuss.

Item 2: GlobaCorp Progress. Despite his initial urgency, their Biz Dev chief (Jesus Kalliente) seems quite busy/distracted, so there were a few bumps in the early discussions, just in terms of his accurately transcribing my e-mail address. Add to that the technology “snafu” whereby my cell phone provider inexplicable re-routed incoming calls to the pager of a woman named Jen in Delaware (further investigation pending to determine whether this was an intentional re-route courtesy of our friends at PanOmni). So we certainly experienced our share of false starts – I think you referenced an e-mail you received where Kalliente confirms my account.

But we’re back on track. I’m working with our Products group, our Services group, as well as with Ops and Marketing, to finalize a cross-functional proposal (which is pending). We’re focusing on the value add, and looking for efficiencies. As I write, their head of biz dev is checking availabilities for a conference call to review the program in the next couple months (more of a formality than anything). Confidence is high – we’ll easily make The Numbers.

As always, you can reach me on my mobile, or via e-mail to my Blackberry. As mentioned above, my number is unreliable (from a technology perspective), but Jen knows where to reach me. Also, there may be down time on the e-mail as I convert my naming conventions over to the acronym system I am implementing (more next month).

See you next week in Des Moines?

__________________________
e-mail (linked from above reference)

—–Original Message—–
From: Kalliente, Jesus [GlobaCorp]
Sent: Wednesday, January 16, 2002 11:58 AM
To: ‘JB Calhoun’ [GargantiCo]
Subject: Bling You’re “A” Game?

I contacted you with some urgency last month. Each day since, I have thanked my lucky stars that holiday schedules clearly intervened and caused you to assign my inquiry to your Mr. Phineas Bling. Thank you.

Highlights of my dealings with Bling, now a legend here at GlobaCorp:

1.    received late night message; Bling’s voice barely audible over the sound of what must have been either a battery of espresso machines, or an army of gargling midgets.
2.    left me cell phone number which connected me with a random, though delightful, woman named “Jen” in Delaware
3.    provided me e-mail address (“phineas_fennymore.bling all one word, 0 caps, 1 underline, a period, all the N’s you’d expect”). I get through after 6 attempted spellings.
4.    decoded e-mail address – he explained that a heretofore unheard of technology snafu – perhaps even a corporate conspiracy – resulted in both Jen’s phone piracy and the e-mail confusion
5.    finally secured a meeting time to review your capabilities. At the appointed hour, frantic call revealed that Bling reported to an office 50 miles away that we have not occupied in 6 months.
6.    Bling next expressed regret for his “incontinence”. I believe the word he meant was incompetence. If he does experience involuntary excretion, he needn’t apologize to me.

In daily updates, Bling details the progress of a brewing proposal involving multiple GargantiCo departments. I’m unclear on the nature of this document – we have not yet met to share our objectives or your capabilities. But we very eagerly await his findings.

Again, I thank you for the opportunity to work with Bling. Though there is certainly no chance of our entrusting paid business to him, I want you to know that he is our beacon of light in an otherwise drab existence.

Thank you.

Jesus Kalliente
Senior VicePresident, GlobaCorp