TO:        J.B. CALHOUN
VP, PRODUCTS & SERVICES, GARGANTICO

FR:        P. BLING
STRATEGIC ACCOUNTS, WEST

CC:        MIKE D., PAT L.

RE:        DECEMBER STATUS REPORT
____________________________________________________________________________

Item 1: Denver All-Staff
Writing from my room here at the Denver Marriott. Strangely, have yet to see a single Gargantico co-worker. Understand there’ve been flight delays so I’m not yet concerned, though I never heard back from Tuttle on travel particulars. Bellman here seems convinced that Dallas, not Denver, is “The Big D” referenced as the locale. If I weren’t so confident in my geology skills, I’d be worried you’re all there in Texas right now sipping wassail and gnawing carvery meats.

Item 2: Annual Review
Thanks much for the approved annual review paperwork, and attached “marching orders” document. As my voice mail indicated, there are software version issues with the actual file itself that have thus far proven insurmountable. So I have not yet reviewed, but intend to be in full agreement with all positive recommendations. Rest assured, I’m in constant communicado with Tech Help to have the document ported. As you know, I am loyal to WordPerfect for Macintosh, which has not been produced in earnest since 1989ish, but is vastly superior to all subsequent solutions, minus a few trivial translation/functionality features.

Item 3: Personnel Issues
Following up on the personnel management thoughts from last month, wanted to provide you the results of the Molly Tuttle Assessment Pilot. Her score is as follows:

Employee Name    Score    Recommendation(s)
1. Molly B. Tuttle    FAIL    Re-programming, Re-assignment

To her credit, Molly acknowledges her shortcomings. But! To give you an idea of the depth of the problem, here is a sampling of the test questions to which she erroneously answered “yes”:

14.    I sometimes dream of running off and joining the circus
39.    If I were an animal, an ocelot would not be a bad choice
67.    Movies sometimes make me cry, even though I know they are make believe
93.    Documentaries do not always make me cry, even though I know they are real
102.    I am not certain whether Phineas Bling is a highly productive and valuable worker
104.    The phrase “asleep at the wheel” makes more sense than “asleep at the switch”
138.    I have gone more than an hour without wearing underpants
141.    I don’t think it would be so bad to live in Toledo, Ohio (at least during Springtime)
163.    Houdini did not believe in reincarnation
178.    In order to honestly say “confidence is high”, I would need to know “confidence in what?”
199.    I do not remember how many teeth I am supposed to have
224.    The noise that peacocks make at dawn is like 1,000 babies screaming all at once
257.    I enjoy vacations by the sea
368.    If I ran this company, things would be different
397.    Some of the people I work with are sometimes unpleasant
418.    I do not feel it is my responsibility to re-stock snack food vending machines
444.    I do my best to earn my pay every day
677.    I do not believe my company’s competitors are spying on us at this very moment
791.    When I think of the finest in roast beef au jus I don’t necessarily think of hof braus
944.    I do not see much reason to master the abacus
1,219.    When ingested with carbonated soda, PopRocks are not proven lethal
1,466.    There are known knowns, but there are no known unknowns
1,748.    There are unknown unknowns, and there are no unknown knowns
1,957.    Sometimes I think my head is so big because it is so full of dreams

Shocking, I know – you think you know someone. We need to address this right away, J.B..

Item 4: Abacus
You’re correct. The abacus delivered to you by a certain T. Tango should decipher all outstanding orders. Don’t mean to be snippy, but how many times have we gone over this?

Item 4: Year One
J.B., as my inaugural year here at Gargantico comes to a close, I would like to again thank you for the opportunity and leave you with a few official thoughts:
1.    Confidence remains high!
2.    Phineas Bling: Coordinator? NO! Surely a MANAGER!
3.    When you think Bling, think GlobaCorp; When you think GlobaCorp, think Bling
4.    CAT Plan: nt dd! Jst gthrng mmntm!
5.    Sky’s The Limit!

When you finally arrive here in Denver, I’ll have an updated suite of communications methodologies for you. After months of reliable service, Delaware Jen is signing off [link to Order document] and I would like to thank her for her loyal service.

_________________________
Voice Mail To J.B. Calhoun from “Manny” (linked from above “approved” text)

[Manny = J.B.’s Boss. GargantiCo COO Maaunoay Paoupaso]

Voice Mail Voice:    Thursday, December 11, Nine Twenty Nine P.M., ONE new messages

[beep beep beep]

Manny’s Voice:    Okay J.B., let’s review.  We try unsuccessfully for how many years to get GlobaCorp’s business? This guy Bling, who I’ve never even seen, steps in and within 6 months we’ve got a PO, and then an increase, and our Board Members are hearing great things straight from Kalliente? Yet you submit to me an annual review you want me to approve where you PAN Bling on his “unorthodox” methods? I DON’T CARE ABOUT METHODS! I don’t care if he’s consulting Oija boards and keeps a pet porpoise, we’ve got numbers to make. Results, J.B.. RESULTS! So why don’t you re-work the evaluation with that in mind. I don’t want to read it again, but let’s just say, a happy Bling means a happy Manny. Let’s support our troops!

_______________________
Molly Tuttle E-Mail (inked from Item 3 above).

—–Original Message—–
From: Tuttle, Molly
To: ‘Bling’ [GargantiCo]
Subject: Assessment Test

Mr. Bling –
I do thank you for your kind words of encouragement and constructive feedback. I know I have many areas I need to work on in the coming year and I knew even before I got past question 2,000, that I would not do that well on the abbreviated, standard test.  You’re the first person at Gargantico who’s ever taken an interest in my development!

Also, I appreciate the all-expense paid trip to Dusseldorf! Did you know it’s all the way in Germany? It is a lovely town, and Tommy is a dynamic and generous host. I’d never had beer before, much less been to Europe! They’re both great (especially beer)!

- Molls

________________
Delaware Jen Order Document (linked from above text)

TO:        J.B. CALHOUN
VP, PRODUCTS & SERVICES, GARGANTICO

FR:        P. BLING
STRATEGIC ACCOUNTS, WEST

CC:        MIKE D. (TERRY C.’S INTERIM REPLACEMENT), PAT L.

RE:        NOVEMBER STATUS REPORT
____________________________________________________________________________

Item 1: Denver All-Staff
Recuperating nicely from my Gemini test flight – thanks for asking. At this rate, we may be side by side glad-handing at the Denver all-staff by the time you get this. Looking forward to putting some faces with names and/or names with faces. Heard the meeting theme is “The Future’s So Bright We Gotta Wear Shades”. Excelsior!

Item 2: Terry C.’s Replacement
Pat informs me Mike D. will be Terry C.’s interim replacement, handling most of his duties, aside from those that previously overlapped with Candace P.’s or Andre L.’s. Thus, I have included Mike D. as a CC for now, though I hear more than mere rumblings of a re-org.

Item 3: Abacus
Please confirm that my trusted emissary, one T. Tango, has arrived [link to handwritten note below] at HQ with the aforementioned parcel. And if you could give me the updated total dollar amount on The Orders, once decoded, that would be great. We’ve annihilated The Numbers.

Item 4: Office Fridge
To be clear, I do not have anything in the office refrigerators located on the 1st, 3rd, and 5th floors. I understand [link to all-staff memo below] they are being cleaned out soon. During one visit, I did leave a large box of shrimp fried rice in the 3rd floor fridge’s side door (where people often store milk or soda) with every intention of retrieving it before leaving. But my schedule was such that, tragically, I had to leave it behind. I’m certain it was discarded during the last cleaning; if not, it may be disposed of now. Bottom line: do not concern yourself with any Bling-owned foodstuffs which may be, but are likely not, currently found in any Gargantico-owned refrigerators.

Item 5: Litigation Plan
Pleased to hear there is more happening on the legal front than was evident through my preliminary research, but remain convinced that our organization is suffering from lack of cohesive litigation stratagems.

In addition to better publicizing existing issues, we simply must generate new ones. Our current docket offers nothing salacious or newsworthy. Surely, at minimum, someone in our finance department has cooked books and can be publicly pilloried with vague implications of executive conspiracy? Better still are accusations that we’ve engaged in anti-competitive practices, or that our management is sexually deviant. I submit to you the irrefutable adage “there’s no such thing as bad publicity”. We need headlines!

In yet another precursor to my Regional Manager ascension, I have already alerted various state and federal agencies, as well as members of the news media, to our impending embroilment in various legal fiascos that will make us a recurring fixture on the business page. With the type of media air cover you see below, I can march into prospective clients with Confidence High!

“Gargantico Case Could Be Biggest Ever”
“More Gargantico Groping Reported”
“Gargantico Claims Reach $3 Billion“
“Feds May Break Up Gargantico: Too Dominant”
“Gargantico’s Legal Woes Continue”
“Indictments Handed Down Today at Gargantico”
“Scandal Deepens at Gargantico”
“Gargantico Exec Is Serial Exhibitionist”
“Competitors: Gargantico Literally Stole Our Lunch Money”

Item 6: Personnel Issue(s)
Molly Tuttle’s lack of responsiveness on the F-4 snack food replenishment issue is indicative of a larger organizational problem: the automatons in HR have yet to introduce a halfway decent system of personality/aptitude testing coupled with re-programming/career coaching required to for peak personnel performance.

To test my theory, and again demonstrate manager-esque initiative, I will remotely administer an abbreviated test to Molly this month. I will forward the results immediately upon tabulation.

Meanwhile, no need to call me or Jen since I’ll surely be chatting with you directly in Denver in a few short days/hours. Which reminds me – please have Molly call with dates/locations of the all-staff ASAP – my printed info got a little blurry in the wash.

________________________
Handwritten Meeting-Interruption Note on Letterhead or Pink Message Note (Linked from above)

Sorry to interrupt – guy named Tango in lobby. Says you’re expecting abacus (?). Urgently needs travel reimburse. Nod if okay.

______________________
Memo Linked from above on Letterhead

TO:    All Gargantico Staff

FR:    Ruby Van Offenberg
VP, Human Resources

RE:     Refrigeration Benefits

As you know, Gargantico is committed to providing best of breed employee retention and productivity perquisites on an ongoing basis. As such, office refrigerators were deployed on the 1st, 3rd, and 5th floors of our headquarters offices, and made available to Gargantico employees, beginning in April of 2002. These refrigerators are provided for the use of Gargantico employees who elect to maximize their retained earnings by bringing wholesome and economical foods from their place of residence to their place of work on a daily basis for purposes of nourishment in the noon timeframe.

The availability of these refrigerators, which are comparable to or exceed the quality of refrigerators made available to employees at companies anywhere in the industry (including PanOmni, where aged Whirlpool’s with no ice dispensers are still the norm), is considered a revocable privilege, not an irrefutable right, as further detailed in your 2003 Employee Handbook.

Unfortunately, as those of you who witnessed the hazardous waste team’s efforts relative to the 3rd floor kitchen last week will attest, some Gargantico employees have abused these privileges, and existing rules assigned thereto, and we are forced to institute a comprehensive new set of policies regarding the use of the fridges, effective immediately. A complete list will be posted on the door of each refrigerator by the end of the week. However, below are some of the more important new terms, which need to be addressed immediately. Know that the executive team has approved the stationing of surveillance cameras to monitor adherence to the following:

1.    The fridge on the 5th floor will be cleaned out each business day at 2 p.m., and all contents catalogued and destroyed.
2.    The fridge on the 3rd floor will be cleaned out each business day at 3 p.m., and all contents catalogued and destroyed.
3.    The fridge on the 1st floor will be cleaned out each business day at 4 p.m., and all contents catalogued and destroyed.
4.    The sparkling wines and fine chocolates stocked in the 5th floor fridge are spill-over from the executive dining storage facilities and are for consumption by designated executives only. They may not be touched without the express written consent of management, nor may any employee’s foodstuffs abut these items. They will not be removed daily as specified in rules 1-3 above.
5.    No shrimp fried rice may be stored in any fridge for any length of time.

As part of this plan, please help me to welcome Amethyst Tate, who joins the custodial staff (with a dotted line to security) and will be in charge of the Kitchen & Refrigeration team. Amethyst’s 12 years of experience in office kitchen management will be an invaluable asset to this new initiative.

Thank you for your attention to this matter. And for making Gargantico the greatest company, with the greatest refrigeration program, in the whole wide world.

TO:        J.B. CALHOUN
VP, PRODUCTS & SERVICES, GARGANTICO

FR:        P. BLING
STRATEGIC ACCOUNTS, WEST

CC:        TERRY C’s REPLACEMENT (PLEASE ADVISE), PAT L.

RE:        OCTOBER STATUS REPORT
____________________________________________________________________________


Item 1: Abacus Sighting
Good news! After fully mobilizing [link to e-mail] my global informant network behind recovery of the decoder abacus needed to process the daunting stack of encrypted Orders, reliable European sources (a man I will refer to only as Tommy Tango) sighted [link to picture of abacus in bathroom] the device in the “facilities” of a Dusseldorf beer garden only yesterday. Based on our shared fondness for carvery cuisine and frothy beverages, it’s no surprise Terry C. would make this location his next stop on the lam and designate a Teutonic urinal as drop spot for transfer of the device into the grubby hands of the moles at PanOmni. Foiled again! I’ll ask that T. Tango personally courier the device to your attention. Until I know it’s safely in your hands, I simply can’t risk putting the Orders in transit. However, please gross up The Numbers accordingly since these sales are essentially “in the bank”. On to more important matters.

Item 2: Pending Orders
To confirm – Bismarck is in North Dakota and Orem is in Utah. Surprised you were not aware of the pivotal trade events that occur semi-annually in these fine municipalities.

Item 3: Legal Crisis
Frankly, J.B., someone is asleep at the switch. Or the wheel. I am uncertain as to whether sleeping at the wheel or the switch is the better analogy here. Point is, I have noticed a disturbing lack of activity on the legal front. I Googled us and could find not a single mention of high-profile litigation in which we are involved. Are we not suing or being sued? Is there no one who sees the name Gargantico and thinks “deep pockets”? Conversely, can we not claim that The Numbers would have been exponentially enriched were it not for the underhanded tactics of some competing, and ideally cash-rich, enterprise? The answers, I say, are no, maybe, and yes! But the bigger question is: how do we maintain our corporate America credibility unless attorney armadas are continuously and conspicuously deployed toward our interests on multiple fronts? Clearly, our General Counsel is not drumming up enough work. I will provide more details of my plan next month. For now, know that I’ve already taken action [link to VM below], and that we should plan for January’s corporate tagline to be the following:

“We’re Gargantico: so sue us!”

Item 4: Project Gemini
Engineering and anatomical problems surfaced in further testing. Without going into gory detail, as a result of implementing the aforementioned pants activation device in tandem with trousers that are a bit too snug, I will need to spend some time with my nether regions in an elevated position, while gestating here at my laundro-office. Do a wounded warrior the small favor of re-stressing to Molly Tuttle the importance of re-stocking the peanut butter/cheese crackers in our electronic pantry. This is a message she still doesn’t seem to get clearly.

Item 5: GlobaCorp Status
J.B., such is the strength of the relationship I have established with GlobaCorp, I expect you may now begin invoicing them at will and at whim in any amount you choose. No less an executive than Jesus Kalliente himself (recently promoted to EVP, I understand) has asked that I be on site whenever my hectic schedule permits, if not continuously. My patented credos (e.g., “Confidence is High!”) are even emblazoned on conference room walls throughout their HQ. Our corporate cultures already mesh so thoroughly that we may wish to consider acquiring them soon.

Assuming I’ve recovered, perhaps we’ll catch up at the fiscal year kickoff in Denver next month. Until then, I’m switching from a Blackberry to a GoodLink, but DE Jen should be prepared to fulfill her forwarding duties if the Laundromat pay phone still won’t take incoming calls.

___________________
Voice Mail To JB Calhoun (linked from above text)

Voice Mail Voice:    Tuesday, October 12, Three Thirty Seven P.M., ONE new messages

[beep beep beep]

Official’s Voice:    Mr. Calhoun, my name is Madison Aldridge. I’m calling from the state Attorney General’s office. I have the same message in to the General Counsel and Corporate Secretary names we have on file here for your company. It’s in response to a strange sequence of correspondence our office has received in the past few days. Each day, we’re getting the business page of a different newspaper pasted with a mock headline involving your company. Today, for example, the headline was “Gargantico Market Dominance Deemed Unfair”. In others, you yourself are named in some sort of conspiracy. I think we need to plan on getting together to talk about this. Please contact my office as soon as possible.

___________________
E-Mail To JB Calhoun (linked from above text)

—–Original Message—–
From: Kalliente, Jesus
Sent: Monday, October 12, 2002 01:47 PM
To: ‘JB Calhoun’ [GargantiCo]
Subject: Bling Magic

J.B. – It’s the craziest thing. Morale here’s at an all-time high. Our sales force is giddy even though the economy’s in the crapper. I’m seeing results in the quarterly numbers. That’s after only a couple meetings and some e-mails from Bling. So I’m asking my admin to re-issue a new and larger P.O. for his services.

My big problem right now is not how much he’s worth, but figuring out what accounting GL the expense should hit. What do you call him –HR consulting? Entertainment? A mascot? We need a new category, but we’ll figure it out.

Thanks again for bringing him to us. BTW, I got a message from some clown at your place who wants talk about what the rest of your company does – whatever that is (I thought it was systems and process analysis or IT, but some people seem to think it’s apparel or maybe novelties). But I don’t really care and we really only want to deal with Bling.

___________________
E-Mail Chain Re: Abacus (linked from above text)

—–Original Message—–
From: Rudytango
Sent: Thursday, October, 17, 2002 10:36 AM
To: Bling! [GargantiCo]
Subject: RE: Abacus

Bling. Amazing how timely your e-mail was – I’ve already spotted your abacus and attached a photo for your confirmation.

I await your instructions, oh great corporate Svengali. Shall I board a Learjet this very day and personally courier the device to some high-ranking American executive at the company’s expense? Perhaps it should be sent directly to the head of some obscure nation state or… oh, I can only speculate. Tell me!

T. Tango [?]

—–Original Message—–
From: Rudytango
Sent: Thursday, October, 17, 2002 10:35 AM
To: Mats Wannerstrom
Subject: RE: Hallelujah

Mats – Perfecto. I’m forwarding now.

—–Original Message—–
From: Mats Wannerstrom
Sent: Thursday, October, 17, 2002 10:34 AM
To: Rudytango
Subject: RE: Hallelujah

Rudy – This has all the signs of a classic. Tell me if you think the attached will do it?

[attached photo]

—–Original Message—–
From: Rudytango
Sent: Thursday, October, 17, 2002 08:24 AM
To: Mats Wannerstrom
Subject: Hallelujah

Mats –
He’s back! We’re on with Bling again. Check out the below. This could be the best one yet. Here’s what you gotta do while I’m at work. Go down to Schenker’s. No wait, first go down to Chinatown and buy an abacus. THEN, go down to Schenker’s and take a digital picture of it in the toilet or something. I don’t know – you get the idea. Hurry!

- Rudy

—–Original Message—–
From: Rudytango
Sent: Thursday, October, 17, 2002 08:22 AM
To: Bling! [GargantiCo]
Subject: RE: Abacus

Bling! My god I’ve prayed for another correspondence from you ever since we worked together to enable the Euro transition and dig the Chunnel. My dreary existence is made that much better by your e-presence. I will, of course, put my full attention to this matter immediately.

Your faithful servant. Tommy Tango
(P.S. – is that still supposed to be my name?)

—–Original Message—–
Sent: Wednesday, October 16, 2002 12:01 PM
BCC: Global Moles Distribution List
Subject: Abacus

Trusted Emissaries. Bling here. To verify: the quick brown donkey jumps over the lazy frog.

Was it Churchill, or Caesar or Nixon or someone entirely else who once said “ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country”? Well I first ask you to insert “Bling” wherever it says “country” above. I then move on to tell you what you can do for me.

You are of course familiar with the longstanding practice of thwarting corporate espionage by encrypting sales orders for safe transit, and then decrypting them once safely received using a secret decoder abacus. Well, the unthinkable has happened. The official guardian of Gargantico’s abacus defected, taking the vital instrument with him on the lam. He could be anywhere, though based on his itinerary and predilections, I would focus on north Europe and central Mexico or anywhere else fine ales, stouts, and pilsners are served.

What I ask is simple. Keep your eyes out for an abacus. That may sound silly, based on the number of abacuses you no doubt encounter daily. However, I assure you this one will make itself known to you. It will appear to be just the sort of workaday abacus you all carry in your attache’ cases, but you will see it in an odd spot that will make you say “hey, that’s a strange spot for an abacus”. That will be our abacus. You must notify me at once.

One other clue. Our deranged traitor seems to have acquired a taste for sabotaging commodes for no purpose other than the sick thrill of it. Take care!

Bling.

TO: J.B. CALHOUN
VP, PRODUCTS & SERVICES, INTELLICORP

FR: P. BLING
STRATEGIC ACCOUNTS, WEST

CC: TERRY C’s REPLACEMENT (?), PAT L.

RE: SEPTEMBER STATUS REPORT
____________________________________________________________________________

Item 1: Columbus Orders
Shocked to hear Terry C. left under such mysterious circumstances. Need I remind you – it is he who possesses the decoder abacus required to decipher long unfulfilled Columbus orders. My greatest fear is that the abacus will fall to the villains at PanOmni. Matched to customer information gleaned via espionage at certain hof braus and hotel bathrooms, the device could prove devastating. I have already initiated inquiries [link to Big Tone VM] aimed at:
• tracking down Terry C. and recovering the abacus
• determining whether some larger, sinister conspiracy led to this misunderstanding.
The latter is vital. If HR has no record of the action, what plot led Terry to believe he was fired? Further, what manner of unceremonious dismissal would incite him to flush M-80s down the executive toilets and relocate to central Mexico? We need to know, sir.

Item 2: Pending Orders
While the loss will not impact The Numbers for purposes of my bonus, it may have significant revenue impact. Only the growing opportunity with GlobaCorp (see Item 5) can save us. Meanwhile, as we await resolution on the above, note that I withheld orders from the following shows and sales calls (all roaring successes) pending recovery of the decoder abacus:

• Des Moines
• Albuquerque
• Tucson
• Eugene
• Fresno
• Bismarck
• Santa Fe
• St. George
• Provo
• Antioch
• Weed
• Shasta
• Barstow
• Orem
• Ashland
• Grant’s Pass
• Tacoma
• Crater Lake
• Whistler
• Victoria
• Catalina
• Boonville
• Truckee
• Snohomish
• Calistoga
• Anaheim
• Pullman
• Park City

Item 3: F4s
Please stress to Molly Tuttle the importance of re-stocking the vending machine here at my laundro-office with F-4s. Nothing sustains me like their improbable combination of cheesy crackers and rich peanut butter. If the draught persists, my productivity may ebb.

Item 4: Project Gemini
I have been busy refining this project since first mentioned in May. I will remain secretive for now, except to say that initial testing has been promising. To complete further tests, I will need a few essential supplies (Molly will coordinate, but may need your approval): plain front khaki trousers in waist sizes 32 – 48 (2 pair each size), 2 gross of AA Batteries, two tins of Gold Bond Medicated Cream (anti-chafing), and a Eurrail pass.

Item 5: GlobaCorp Kickoff
For all those who fear the loss of the abacus will prevent us from making The Numbers, I say you must not have attended the GlobaCorp kickoff event. I am forwarding a copy of my presentation and talking notes for your file marked “Evidence of Bling’s Management Potential”. While my CAT Plan is mired in corporate bureaucracy here at Gargantico, all my development efforts will not go to waste if we can apply it at GlobaCorp and reap 7-figure consulting fees. Confidence is High!

Delaware Jen has been a tad jittery lately, so until she secures the restraining order, I recommend contacting me via Blackberry (service levels are now up to 60%), or on the Laundromat pay phone (although I will be in Mexico).

____________________
Voice Mail To Bling (linked from above text)

Voice Mail Voice: Tuesday, September 23, One Twenty Two A.M., ONE new messages

[beep beep beep]

Big Tone’s Voice: Yo, this Big Tone Hofbrau Columbus. Bling, man, I ain’t got yo mudda[beep]in’ abba kiss, dawg. I don’t EVEN need to hold out on you – I already got the top of the line HP Scientific does my back-solving for any variable in my equations. Y’all need to start keepin’ betta track a your bidness, though. Serious. Seem like we always got somethin’ Gargantico. My man Tito out at the Fresno HofBrau tell me he get the same thing – Gargantico letters, Gargantico files, Gargantico PCs – it’s just a accident y’all still in bidness cuz haff your stuff up in some Hofbrau most times..yo but while I got you – wassup with Molly Tuttle? Mmm! Hook a brutha up, Phin. Holla back.

TO: J.B. CALHOUN
VP, PRODUCTS & SERVICES, GARGANTICO

FR: P. BLING
STRATEGIC ACCOUNTS, WEST

CC: TERRY C., PAT L.

RE: NOVEMBER STATUS REPORT
____________________________________________________________________________

Item 1: Thanks again
Want to reiterate my sincere appreciation for the opportunity to serve as Western Regional Accounts Coordinator under your worthy stewardship. As we discussed, I am wholly committed to The Numbers, efficiencies (I am reviewing all company policies and documentation already), and all other key deliverables of the job (whatever they may or may not be). I also want to reiterate, with no qualms, my stated mission to become Regional Manager as soon as possible. Will my accomplishments soon merit such consideration? Confidence is high!

Item 2: In Communicado
Please know that this remote working arrangement will not be any sort of impediment. Monthly status reports will keep you apprised of major developments. And, given my 24-hour availability via voice-mail, e-mail, blackberry, pager, mobile phone, landline, and all the other modern communication accoutrements, more trivial matters can be easily dispatched

Obviously, since I have only been on staff for seven short weeks, you should not expect the first meaningful Status Report until December, when I will be in position to relay big wins from Columbus.

Item 3: Columbus
I’m assuming Ohio, but please advise as to the exact address, dates, times, equipment, rationale, and other details surrounding the Columbus show. On a personal note, are you familiar with any of the better Hof Brau’s in the greater Columbus area?

Item 4: Facilities
I admit to a brief moment of confusion when the address provided to me as my remote office led me to what outwardly appeared to be an ordinary coin-op laundromat. Call it rookie jitters – I was ready to second-guess the street name (this town, I believe, boasts a 2nd Street as well as a 2nd Avenue). Then I recalled our emphatic discussion of corporate espionage, and the importance of shielding GargantiCo activities with respect to our nosy competitors. Thus reassured, I have bivouacked by the pay phone and snack machine (please have your assistant re-stock the F-4’s at her earliest convenience) and am ready for action. I don’t expect to be spending much time here, but on those rare occasions when I’m not booked into back-to-back face-time with important clients, this will be an outstanding, clandestine habitat for all Bling endeavors. The alpine-scented, womb-like ambience only enhances my productivity. However, please ensure that the lint traps are cleaned regularly to minimize allergens.

To sum up:
1. Phineas Bling will not let you down.
2. Repeat: will not let you down.
3. We WILL make The Numbers.
4. Need more F-4s (the vending machine code applied to deceptively tasty sandwiches with the logic-defying combo of peanut butter and cheese crackers) and much less lint.
5. Feel free to contact me prior to my next report – all the above-mentioned contact information is forthcoming and possibly en route even as we speak.

—————————————
Voice Mail To Maanoay “Manny” Paoupaso (transcript)

[Manny = J.B.’s Boss. GargantiCo COO Maaunoay Paoupaso]

Voice Mail Voice: Friday, July 7, Nine Twenty Nine P.M., ONE new messages

[beep beep beep]

Manny’s Voice: J.B. – forwarding this message from your man Bling. Not sure what to make of it. Sounds like it might have been cut off or something. Want you to know, though, I am completely 100% behind you guys on the front lines. Just tell me what you need to get the job done

Voice Mail Voice: Attached message.

Bling’s Voice: Your man Bling here. A quick approval on the following would be most appreciated: vrooooommmmm! Bong bong bong bong bong ahhhhhhh!.

I await your most worthy assessment.

_________________

E-Mail (referenced above)

—–Original Message—–
From: Kalliente, Jesus
Sent: Wednesday, July 8, 2002 02:50 PM
To: ‘JB Calhoun’ [GargantiCo]
Subject: The Bling Project

Mr. Calhoun –

Attached please find our purchase order #2850009874 in requisition of Phineas Bling’s services and commitment to the GlobaCorp account.

To be clear, we can still only guess what sort of products or services your company supplies. We only know that by providing this P.O., we are assured of continued, regular interaction with Bling. To that end, we are committing $5,000 a month to pay for his time, materials, and expenses. Please do not bill us anything more or less as we expect no particular deliverables from this relationship. We will simply need him to meet with as many folks as possible within our company, and provide various proposals or other written correspondence at his discretion – our intention is that he will serve a vital corporate morale function of some sort.

If, for any reason, Bling’s employment at Gargantico should end, this PO will be terminated, effective immediately.

Thanks again for bringing us Bling. We can’t wait to see what’s next.

Jesus Kalliente
Senior Vice President, GlobaCorp